Recently, we moved our 3 year old out of our room into hers for the night. Despite the baby monitor feed, I felt a dire need to go and check on her until the alarms for morning rang. The night passed in tossing and turning and checking on my kid. Did we move her out too early? I felt conflicted all of a sudden. The fact that she was on the top bunk was definitely not of much comfort, neither was the thought of the open staircase near her room. But every time I had the urge to bring her back to my bed (which has hardly room for her and my 1.5 yr. old ) and doze off in comfort, I stopped myself. I had to remind myself that her needs were not the same as when she was a baby. She becomes more capable with each day, if I let her, that is.
As the kids grow up and transition from one stage to another, their needs change as well. How we adapt to these transitions and the choices we make at every milestone leaves a deep mark on the kid.
The choice between providing the toddlers a supervised opportunity to explore the world on their own, or dictating their every step and move. The choice of guiding them to discipline themselves or continuing to pick up after them, making their beds or polishing their shoes way after they have entered their teens. Helping them make their own choices or forcing yours upon them just because you’re dead sure about what will make their life successful. Going on to offer the kids financial support when they are old enough to earn for themselves, or letting them deal with it.
Whatever you choose to do, it’s obviously because you want the best for them. It’s not easy both ways. The frustration of doing their jobs for them over and over again gets to you if you take a controlled approach to parenting. On the other hand, if you take an independent approach and let your kids learn from experience and mistakes, the guilt and regret of how you could have prevented it kills you. However, the former approach squashes their confidence and the latter boosts it. These choices are usually influenced by our goal oriented vision based on the habits and values we want to nurture, or simply by our wishes, desires ,past experiences and need of comfort.
Forcing our ideas on children about who they should be and how they should deal with different life situations is impractical. Imposing on others what you have concluded from your experiences is always a bad idea. You don’t always settle for a good result, sometimes you just choose to go with what feels comfortable even when you know is a bad choice. If something did work for you, it might not necessarily work for another person with another set of priorities especially in another decade and environment. Or what if it didn’t really work for you but you mistook it for solution?Then how fair is it for you to advise someone when you KNOW it isn’t sound advice in the first place.
With the “my way or high way” approach to parenting, we imply that our child’s individuality is of no meaning. That we are not ready to give up the control on his/her life, and not ready to accept him/her as an adult. We want to sync our kid’s mind, thoughts and ideas with ours, and expect them to live how we see fit. These expectations when not met bring nothing but disappointment, stress and worry to us. Plus, they serve to breed resentment, rebellion and guilt in the child.
Somewhere along the line,
We forget that life has its own way of teaching us, and we ourselves usually do not learn until we have to deal with the consequences single-handedly.
We also forget that the One who entrusted them to us will always protect and provide for them regardless of anything. Taking the entire responsibility upon ourselves, and not trusting the power of the One who created them means we are also throwing our faith out of the window.
Do we get confused about our responsibilities as parents/ guardians? Are we the care takers or the Life managers? Do we own our kids? If we are shielding our children from disappointments, failures which are the fundamental, painful processes of learning, maturing and developing values, how are they going to face real life? They will probably grow up to feel like a person lost in the middle of a desert with no personal compass or sense of direction whatsoever.
We definitely do not want that. So if u know there is something you shouldn’t be doing, just Stop!!! Stop the hovering, nagging, guilt tripping, micromanaging, demanding or whatever it is. Stop breathing down their necks. Ever wonder why it doesn’t work? Well, It’s NOT supposed to. Instead of saving your child from challenges, teach them how to tackle them. Nurture their confidence, self-esteem and independence.Let them explore and experiment and let life teach them.
Don’t let your love hold them back. Make sure your love liberates them and brings out the best in them and in you. Life speeds by and we can’t be around forever. We have to mind what our love is doing to our kids. Is it chopping their wings off, one feather at a time? Or is it giving them wind to soar through the challenges of life?
Do share your thoughts and comments in the section below.
(More details in part 2 and some guidelines to effective parenting)
