Spouses are meant to be a source of comfort. When we no longer feel that, we have to question our shortcomings. Showing effort to become a better spouse can be contagious; your spouse will certainly catch up and even if not, the quality of your marriage will certainly improve with your efforts alone.

Over the years of constant juggling between the roles of a spouse, a parent and an in-law, these three rules have kept my boat of marriage floating and sails full, no matter how bumpy the ride might have gotten from time to time.

Rule#1:  KNOW YOUR PRIORITIES AND WHAT IS ESSENTIAL AND HOLD ON TIGHT TO IT.

Keeping up with our priorities in life is the first key of balance between all the roles we have to play everyday. Every moment we are awake we are constantly choosing one task over other, one person’s need over another person’s or our own, if our choices are not based on our major priorities, then its very easy for urgent to take over the important. Prioritizing our roles and needs, helps keep things in order, prevents chaos and long term disasters.

1. God comes before Spouse.

Simple yet powerful rule. Despite the fact that our spouses are our lives and worlds, God comes first; He who blessed us with our precious life and loved ones in the first place. On the plus side, integrity and staying true to what you believe in, is a quality disliked by none.

How:

Hold on to your relationship with God, fulfill what he asks of you without prioritizing your or your spouse’s wishes over it. Take time to thank Him for His favors .

2. Yourself is a good start.

Although there is no me in marriage but it’s a good place to begin with. A happy “Me” makes a happy “We”. Take care of yourself first and foremost so you can take care of everything else better. Do not depend on your spouse for your sense of self. It creates unrealistic expectations and damages the marriage. Exude a sense of independence; it is quite an attractive trait (keep it balanced though).

How:

Take care of your needs and emotions, follow your dreams, set personal goals and work towards them. Nap during the day. Keep yourself groomed and fit, engage in what makes you happy, make time for your hobbies, have an active circle of friends, and spend time alone as well.

3. Spouses are a team.

You tied the knot together, you both are in it, for better or worse. Life is a tough enough battle on its own. Let’s not make it more tough by teaming up against your own spouse. If one of you is drilling holes in your shared boat, guess what, both of you will drown. The only way to win is by playing on the same team, not by proving your selves better. Great teams build each other up not tear each other down. Lay that ego down and learn to swallow your pride, there is no space for it in marriage. Being there for each other every day and in times of need makes life worth living and marriage a safe haven.

How:

Set some goals together and work on them. Do not compete against each other. Put your guards down. Learn to be vulnerable. Applaud each other’s little achievements. Be a shoulder your spouse can always lean on. Provide unconditional love, support and acceptance. Provide each other with a sense of security.

4. Spouse comes before Kids.

It’s quite easy to prioritize the other way, the tiny tots have an amazing ability to swap your senses out of you and keep you on your toes. They take over your entire schedule, mess with your management skills, drain your energy levels completely, leave you clueless about what matters the most to you and convince you that they are your topmost priority. Their needs are always urgent and it’s easier to ignore the needs of your spouse (after all they can take care of themselves).

Your kid needing your help with homework might seem to be more important, than your spouse’s need of your opinion on something. Your spouse’s excited tale after a phone call, being screamed from the other room can surely wait until you get the kids out of shower and down for bed after all you are hungry and at the end of your rope. By the time you are done, the excitement has died, and the decision they wanted to make with you is done without you.

The things which usually seem negligible or unimportant also happen to be the glue of relationship and if continuously overlooked, hurts the marriage over time. Prioritizing your spouse over kids is an investment for the family as a whole. When you share your responsibilities together and are connected with each other you make happier parents.

When the kids will leave the nest, it will be just you and your partner, and the distances created by constantly prioritizing kids over spouse will cost you more than you ever thought.

Remember it started with two of you, and it mostly ends that way as well. So keep those sparks alive, they pay off well.

How:

Take care of your kids but make your spouse feel important and included too. Nobody likes to feel left out. Sometimes it just means pausing for 5 mins to catch up before the moment is lost. When preparing meals remember what your spouse would enjoy as well. Manage your time well keeping in mind needs of spouse. Pick up a bar of your spouse’s favorite chocolate when you stop to get the carton of diapers. Let them sleep a few extra hours while you take care of some of their duties. Have each others back, always. Let them hang out with their friends while you babysit. Move kids to their rooms when they no longer need you for the night. Never speak ill of your spouse in front of the kids.

5. Respect is Vital.

You owe your spouse respect. Period.

Growing old together in marriage sometimes get us under the fake impression of it having become fail-proof. This sense of stability sometimes leads us to taking our spouses for granted. We are rather relaxed with our words, attitudes and manners around them as we would be otherwise. Being at ease around your partner is one thing, but being disrespectful is another and totally unacceptable.

You might be best of friends, and open and honest with each other, but that is not enough to justify disrespectful behavior. On the contrary, being close with each other should make you more careful with your attitudes, because you would know your spouse would feel torn down by it.

Even if your spouse is the one disrespecting you , you are not allowed to do same in return. Any excuse you might have of a disrespectful behavior is invalid.

On the plus side, whatever respect you will show to your spouse will be returned to you and your kids will learn to respect others and their spouses when they grow up.

How:

Never let go of respect; neither behind a closed door nor in public, neither when your spouse seems angelic nor when he seems a bit devilish (just an expression). Always use appropriate language. Never manipulate or humiliate. Always give importance to their views. Never treat them as your children or boss them around. Respect differences of opinion (it really won’t cost you your life).

6. Spouse before In-laws.

It is great to be accommodating towards your in-laws, and be considerate of their needs but never do so in a way that compromises your spouse’s needs and wants. Always put your spouse and your marital relationship first. Do not get busy in a lengthy discussion with your brother-in-law over the phone when your spouse clearly needs your company. Do not commit to something with your mother-in-law when your spouse wants to hang out with you. You can always reschedule, and catch up at other times with in-laws

Your good behavior and kind treatment towards in-laws may win you more of your spouse’s love, but do not make it the only way for it. Let your kindness be a definition of who you are as a person instead.

Your in-laws are an important part of your spouse’s life. Either things go well between you and them or not, they are still a part of your extended family and interaction with them is an inevitable part of your life. Having your family values out in the open can avoid a lot of misunderstandings and discords over time. Conflicts if not handled right away can make matters get worse over time and might put a strain on your relationship with your spouse as well.

How:

Put up a united front with your husband. Discuss and agree on some rules and boundaries with your in-laws and stick to them. Let’s say for an example; no snacks for kids before meals. Saturday’s are off for extended family. Do not expect anything for your favors in return. It will save you a lot of heartache and unnecessary discussions. Communicate directly with in-laws. If there are disagreements between you and them, clear them out right away. Most importantly don’t let it affect your relationship with your spouse in anyway.  Do not have unrealistic expectations. Respect yourself and always display a respectful attitude.

So, is this it? No, but by applying some tips to your life, can surely put you in the right direction. Relationships are not something you can fix overnight. But, you can make the commitment to do better, and work on it everyday. Stay tuned for Part 2, with Rule 2 to make your marriage great.

Do share your valuable thoughts on the matter in the comment area below.