“No.” “It’s not for me.” “I don’t like it.” “Nope.” “No, thank you.” For some of us, these words and phrases are hard to say. Saying no to something requires so much energy that it’s easier to just agree. Like when you take an extra helping of your friend’s cooking even if you’re not in the mood, or say they look good in that fringed orange jacket. It seems easier, more polite, and kinder to say OK. But it’s also a harmful tactic in the short and long run, and makes it gargantuanly hard when you have no choice but to say no.
Last week, for my birthday, my best friend decided to throw me a party. She made a surprise announcement a few days prior by creating a private event on Facebook and inviting my closest friends. When I first opened the invitation, I was stoic and silent, instead of being pleasantly surprised and excited which would be the normal response. Instead of typing a fast and emoji filled thank you, I twiddled my thumbs uncertain and anxious. I detested events where I was the center of attention; previous graduations and birthday parties were a testament to that. But to say no would be so rude. My friend was doing something incredibly thoughtful for me, why couldn’t I just be appreciative? Was I being selfish?
Price of never saying no
Most of my life I’ve just gone along with things regardless of the discomfort they brought. Afraid of confrontation or hurting people, I thought I was taking the better and easier route. But what self-help books have repeatedly said and what I eventually learned is that while it’s easier to go along with the flow, it’s pretty detrimental overtime. You allow people to create a different vision of yourself by which they will continue to treat you. You live in a lie that is constantly at odds with your true nature. And after a lifetime of only saying yes, it is much harder to disagree and take a stance.
“If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it” – Zora Neale Hurston
Your self-worth decreases and becomes passive to a dangerous extent. It’s hard to switch gears instantaneously. Almost everything we do requires practice, especially if we want to do it well. We have to learn how to read people and refine our method of staying no. Communicating effectively becomes vital. When I finally found the courage to call up my friend, I had to explain to her how and why I felt uneasy about her plans. I stumbled over my words asking her to cancel the event while emphasising that I had no ill will towards her and really appreciated the thought and gesture. If I had attended the party and embarrassed her by being unable to hide my own discomfort, it would’ve been worse.
Long-term satisfaction
Unfortunately, saying no isn’t instantly rewarding. This was a hard lesson I learned. Even though my friend was understanding and kind, she was hurt and I felt horrible for upsetting her. I was frustrated at myself for not just going along with her plans and wondered if I made the right choice. I learned that people were wrong when they say that it would feel great to say no. Saying no is scary and it is hard, and sometimes it’s not even worth the immediate backlash. However, there is a benefit in the long run. My anxiety about the birthday party dissipated after my friend removed the invite and the next time I saw her, we both understood each other better and planned a small dinner for two to celebrate my birthday. Making a habit of saying no and voicing your opinions will give others a better understanding of your preferences. No one is a mind reader. It’s much lighter to live honestly and kindly than carrying on a farce to please everyone.
Normalize different opinions
Saying no also helps shine a light on problematic behaviour. If no one says anything, the perpetrator’s actions will be normalized and deemed acceptable. Stepping up to say no gives courage to others to step up too. By keeping quiet, the naysayers sound unreasonable and out of place. By vocalizing opinions people are more exposed and acceptable of different perspectives.
We need to balance saying no with saying yes. Living a life of either extreme is taxing. Sometimes you need to sacrifice your comfort for someone else’s and vice versa. Weigh the consequences in. Be polite and explain your reasonings when appropriate. Just know that it is ok to choose yourself and stand up for yourself over others.
What do you think? Let me know in the comments below.
