Mapping out the lives of kids, doing their duties for them, being over concerned about their whereabouts, even with the best of intentions, doesn’t always turn in favor of parents or the child in the long run. There comes with the authoritative and over protective parenting styles (as discussed in part 1) a handful of consequences.
- If you are being over protective of your children, and constantly worrying for them, you are teaching them to be a worrywart. This affects self-confidence and hurts self-esteem.
- If you are always being responsible for your child regardless of his age, you are teaching him irresponsibility.
- If you find yourself always taking decisions for your kids, you are crippling them in decision making areas. It restricts them from developing life skills, making mistakes and learning lessons. It disables them from pulling themselves out of tight situations, or dealing with difficult people
- If you are always controlling your child’s actions, you are taking away their independence, which might lead to them being unsure of their identities, and difficulty in pursuing their passions and dreams.
- Always being critical of your child and invading his privacy weighs down heavily on your relationship with him; taking away the trust and openness.
Here are a few tips for effective parenting.
1. Take responsibility for your emotions
How well do we perform at anything, let alone parenting when we are stressed out, frustrated , angry or while experiencing any other negative states? In those states we are not only spreading out negative energy but we might also be doing things we wouldn’t otherwise. Remember that you are the only one responsible for your emotional states. Do not expect your kid to compensate for it. Don’t ask your child to do something or not do something solely based on what you feel (because how uncomfortable and scared it makes you, or just because you dislike it). Take responsibility for your emotions, positive or negative. Learn to find ways to de-stress yourself, take time out for your personal interests and activities and do more of what makes you happy. A happy parent makes a happy child.
Don’t let the anxieties and fears and uncertainties hijack the parenting process.
2. Let it go
At times you might feel like drowning in a sea of fears and dread for your kid, do what would be just enough and trust God to take care of the rest. Doing enough might sometime just mean letting go of your desperation to be in constant control, and the urge of crowding your kid’s space 24/7. Respect their boundaries and personal spaces; it is healthy for their growth and for the bond you share with them. Don’t be the element responsible for making your relationship with them less fun.
3. Let them fall:
It is not easy to watch our kid fail at something, but it’s not the best idea to always rescue them either. You can’t perfect life for yourself or for your kids. Failures, mistakes, errors, blunders do serve their purpose and teach us what nothing else can.
4. Model what you want to teach
Instead of choosing to always lecture, reprimand and nag, it is better to model behavior which they can copy, and I can bet you they will! One way of learning is for a child to imitate his role models which are fundamentally and initially the parents.
5. Allow them to be who they are
They are born with their own talents and gifts. Nurture and foster them. Focus on their strengths. Take in account their needs; physical and psychological. Don’t treat them or expect them to be your mirror images; they are not your extensions. They don’t have to be like you, they have to be who they choose to be.
6. Express love in their language
What might be an expression of love for you might not be for them. Find creative ways to express love that liberates them. Make sure they know that your love is unconditional. Love them for who they are and not what you want them to be. Be there for them mentally and physically. Discover and use their love languages. Play together and show interest in their activities. Don’t forget to be their friend while playing too hard at being their parent.
7. Follow your vision
Keep in mind the values and habits you want to see in them as an adult and nurture them. Do you plan to raise a kid with the skills of a leader and a warrior ? Do u want them to develop values like generosity, kindness, confidence? Do u want them to be hardworking, caring and truthful?
If you don’t know where you want to go, then it doesn’t matter which path you take- Alice in Wonderland.
8. Stay updated
In the world of parenting, every day brings about a new set of confusions, troubles, challenges and questions. We are not always sure about what we are doing. We all can benefit from a fresh perspective, a few tips, friendly advice to raise a better child, and to ease out stress. Whether it’s in the form of connecting with other parents, reading parenting books or articles, attending parenting conferences/ seminars. This will allow you to take your parenting to a new level or at least feel comforted with the idea that you are not alone in the battle.
Parenting is a complex and complicated procedure, that comes with no shortcuts and no instruction manual at hand, yet very rewarding if done right. Putting several restrictions can be equally disastrous as offering a child too much freedom. Make sure that your love is the right mix of tough and soft and is nourishing enough so the child grows up to develop healthy coping skills and can thrive well when completely independent.
